Doritos Lovers Anonymous

Check out this commercial I entered into the Doritos superbowl contest. Basically the concept is a look in on a Doritos Lovers Anonymous meeting. A variety of characters are attempting to work through their problems with the help of a recovering addict. The camerawork is ghetto as hell and it feels rushed cause we had to fit it all into 30 secs and couldnt use one of the most important shots, but overall im happy with it being my first project. Look for more orginal videos in the new year. Im tryna be a youtube celebrity and shit.

Thanks to Jasmine for directing and editing and for everyone who came through to be a part of the production.

Oh and If you like the video or just like me you'll go here and vote for my video and check out some of the competition.

Black Peter Pan

I Steal Your Honey Like I Stole Your Bike

Im gonna have the next installation of The Signs of The Black Apocolapyse tommorow, but in the meantime here's a little something to get you through your day.

It was the summer of 1999. Trl had ushered in the boy band and bubble-gum phase. Hip Hop was still reeling from the deaths of Biggie and Pac and just getting over its shiny-suit phase. It was a happier time, when the lines between hip hop and pop were beginning to blur. And out of that blur and eventually making it to the #1 song in America came LFO. Come to think of it ,this was probably an early warning of the apocolaypse to come but fuck it I loved this song. So take a trip down memory lane and check out LFO's "Summer Girl". I even included the lyrics for you to read and try to figure out what the fuck Paul Revere has to do do with fun dip and cherry coke. Let me know if i was the only one that felt this song and what your favorite lyric was.



LFO LYRICS
"Summer Girls"
Yeah...I like it when the girls stop by.. In the summer
Do you remember, Do you remember?...when we met..
That summer??
[Chorus:]
New Kids On The block,
had a bunch of hits
Chinese food makes me sick.
And I think it's fly when girls stop by for the summer,
for the summer
I like girls that wear Abercrombie and Fitch,
I'd take her if I had one wish,
But she's been gone since that summer..Since that summer

[Verse 1:]
Hip Hop Marmalade spic And span,
Met you one summer and it all began
You're the best girl that I ever did see,
The great Larry Bird Jersey 33
When you take a sip you buzz like a hornet
Billy Shakespeare wrote a whole bunch of sonnets
Call me Willy Whistle cause I can't speak baby
Something in your eyes went and drove me crazy
Now I can't forget you and it makes me mad,
Left one day and never came back
Stayed all summer then went back home,
Macauly Culkin wasn't Home Alone
Fell deep in love,but now we ain't speaking
Michael J Fox was Alex P Keaton
When I met you I said my name was Rich
You look like a girl from Abercrombie and Fitch

[Chorus:]

[Verse 2:]
Cherry Pez,cold crush,rock star boogie
Used to hate school so I had to play hookie,
Always been hip to the B-boy Style
Known to act wild and make girls smile,
Love New Edition and the Candy Girl
Remind me of you because you rock my world
You come from Georgia where the peaches grow
They drink lemonade and speak real slow
You love hip hop and rock n roll
Dad took off when you were 4 years old
There was a good man named Paul Revere
I feel much better baby when you're near
You love fun dip and cherry Coke,
I like the way you laugh when I tell a joke
When I met you I said my name was Rich
You look like a girl from Abercrombie and Fitch

[Repeat Chorus]

[Bridge:]
In the summertime girls got it going on,
Shake and wiggle to a hip hop song
Summertime girls are the kind I like,
I'll steal your honey like I stole your bike

[Verse 3]
Bugaloo shrimp and pogo sticks
My mind takes me back there oh so quick
Let you off the hook like my man Mr. Limpet
Think about that summer and I bug,
cause I miss it
Like the color purple,
macaroni and cheese,
Ruby red slippers and a bunch of trees
Call you up but whats the use
I like Kevin Bacon,
but I hate Footloose
Came in the door I said it before,
I think I'm over youbut I'm really not sure
When I met you I said my name was Rich
You look like a girl from Abercrombie and Fitch

[Repeat Chorus]

[Bridge:]
In the summer girls come and summer girls go
Some are worth while and some are so so,
Summer girls come and summer girls go
Some are worth while and some are so so,Summertime girls got it going on
Shake and wiggle to a hip hop song
Summertime girls are the kind I like
I'll steal your honey like I stole your bike
[Repeat Chorus]

Signs Of The Black Apocalypse- Hip-Hop Ringtones

This was actually supposed to be 1 post but it got pretty long so I decided to break it down and stretch it out like a Thanksgiving turkey.

Black people have been around since the dawn of mankind. We all know by now that the first humans were from Africa and though often times oppressed, black people have influenced the world in countless ways. From Pyramids to penutbutter to Pac black people have shaped this world. However my friends, the end is near. Just take a look around you and you too will see the Signs of the Black Apocalypse.

Today's sign
Hip Hop Ringtones-
A few weeks ago my boys and I went to the PG plaza mall. Now if you ever heard the Chris Rock bit about the black mall, this is exactly the mall he was talkin about. Its only one floor and every other store is a sneaker store. The only stores that don't sell shoes are the Popeyes Chicken and the 15 cheap jewelry stands. In a place like this you are bound to find more than a few signs of the black apocalypse.
On this particular trip we happened to walk by a young father sitting outside of a Footlocker with his baby. At first, it was actually a great scene. Here was a young black man taking care of his son. Despite the stereotypes, he was stepping up and taking care of his resposability. Not only was he holding his son, but he was taking the time to sing to him. Unfortunately, what was this ignorant ass nigga singing? Oh no, not twinkle twinkle little star, not the abc's, not row row row your boat. He was singing Walk it out by DJ Unk and playing the song on his phone right into his kids ear. So now not only is Junior gonna be deaf but now he's gonna be dumb too. He probably won't be able to walk without doing that stupid ass dance.
I blame ringtones for this. They make ignorance portable and readily accessible. I mean we've all made little Tre dance for everybody at the family reunion or a barbecue. But now thanks to ringtones, niggas are dancing in the malls, halls and to every single call.
Nowadays everybody is walkin around with a party in their pants. Now we can shoulder lean, walk it out, lean with it and rock with, or go balliiiinnn anywhere we want. Classes and corporate meetings are being interrupted by requests for people to shake their money makers. It's at the point now where the record companies are releasing songs just because they know that people will flock to download it on their phones. Do you really think D4L would exist if Laffy Taffy didn't ring so sweet? Its at the point now where real artists are being left out in the cold. Sorry Lupe, but who wants to hear Lyrics when their phone rings? Fuck that, we wanna walk it out.

Niggas in Wifebeaters at Night

Originally Posted 7/28/06
For some reason I rarely go home to Philly anymore. I think its because for a while I kind of built my little life in Maryland. I had my own apartment, fun friends, and a wifey. There was really nothing that I missed that much at home that a phone call couldnt solve. Now that all of that is basically gone I felt compelled to return to my roots and I realized I really missed the city and the city missed me. I got to see a bunch of my family, show my skills on the grill, tease my little brother, and hit the bars with a few friends from high school. It was really one of the best weekends of my life not just because of the fun I had but the lessons I learned. So let me share them with you...
3 Things I Learned At Home this weekend

1) Bitches aint shit...except for my momma
So I can never go home without seeing random people from my past. This time it just so happens that Chico and I saw a couple girls from the ham at a bar downtown. Chico always liked one of the girls and the other girl always gave me the vibe, so I figured I would play Goose to his Maverick and help my man accomplish his mission. Anyway to make a long story short we end up going over to my chicks house at 2:30 am the next night for a two on two session. Now I'm perceptive as hell so as soon as I walked in I peeped the pictures of the girl and some dude on the end table and entertainment center. I figured she must have a man or an ex that she still cares about but she still does her thing. I can't knock her for that and I sure as hell wasn't going to bring it up if she didn't. However, Chico says dumb shit sometimes so he asks her who she lives with and the other girl answers that my girl lives with her boyfriend. Thats right this girl has a man arriving at the crib she shares with her boyfriend at well past booty call hours. Im telling you for the rest of the night I just sat there wondering to myself where the fuck was this guy at. Like honestly, does he know hes paying rent for his girl to smash other guys. He better at least be making her pay more than half. I mean at least the other girl told us that her boyfriend was overseas in the Marines. The way I see it Chico was just supporting the troops.
It's messed up cause I really felt bad for the dude. And I aint shit, so for me to feel bad about a guy I don't know means a lot. Here I was drunk, with his girl, on his couch, ordering movies on his on demand until 6 in the morning. And I know she probably liked me for a long time but I know I aint special so it just made me think how many times has she done this same thing with other guys. I mean she didnt mention him the whole night, she was a pro.
Man, all I know is that if I ever end up living with a woman, Im setting up surveillance all over my house. Cameras, guard dogs, even penis detectors. Plus Im ending trips early and popping up at home in the middle of the night just in case. Im thinking about bringing back the chastity belt like the middle ages, and if I see rust, Im beating her ass. "Who the fuck was making you wet bitch!!"
funny epilogue: I ended up staying another night and tried to see if i could get up with the chick again so i text messaged her and told her i was trying to see her that night. Her response. "I can't my boyfriend is back. maybe next week" Bitches aint shit.

2) Never trust niggas that wear wife beaters at night
Now Ive been working out a little bit recently and since its summer time I like to show off the guns whenever possible so I have no problems with people wearing wife beaters. However, I've now realized that any nigga wearing a wife beater at night is up to no good. Think about it, have you ever seen somebody with a wifebeater on after the sun goes down and not felt like something was bound to happen? I swear if police want to stop crime they should just patrol for every nigga with a wife beater on after dark. Its like niggas take off their t-shirts and lose their minds. I saw three altercations this week and all of them involved at least one nigga with a wife beater on after dark. I just don't trust it. Actually at one point I saw a nigga with no shirt on walking towards me and had to make a citizens arrest. Come on man, thats just going to far.

3) Asian girls dont like me
Aight so in my lifetime I've done ok with girls. Im not a big player or the guy girls through themselves at or anything, but since high school Ive always had a girl or two in my life. Thanks to my multi-cultural upbringing I have had the opportunity to have sex with pretty much every race and combination on the planet. Ive done Blacks and Whites, Purebreds and Mutts, Puerto Ricans and Indians; shit even Israeli's and a Palestinian. I mean I've smashed a 100% straight from the reservation Native American and there are only like 6 of them left. But the one race that still won't join my United Nations of pleasure is Asians. Its like they think Im going to put sanctions on them like North Korea or something. They just don't find me attractive and I dont get it.
Cousin Pick put me on to this nice spot near UPenn that has a happy hour from 10pm to 12pm. There really weren't many girls around but the ones that were there were all Asian. Being in good spirits and a little bent I decided to go ahead and give it a try my last night out. I came at them every way. I complimented. I was aggressive. I was smooth. I was rough. I was funny. I was intelligent. Man no matter what i did, the most I got was a smile. I even side- kicked one in her flat ass when she walked by. Did that make her love me long time? Hell no!!! All she did was get me kicked out. Racist bitch!
P.S. Any asian girl out there that wasn't to take my asian virginity just holla at me. In the words of Mike Epps, "Im tryna see what that be like"

DMX: Soul of a Crackhead

Originally Posted 7/20/06
I review a lot of shows, this is the most recent so i decided to post this one. Look out for the Flava of Love finale post.

After BET announced that they were getting rid of their late night cult classic Uncut I knew that the station that had become symbolic with degrading black people was trying to change their image. It's admirable, but personally I loved the show and always figured anybody up watching videos that late at night is either grown or already bound to become a criminal anyway. Seriously where would most of us be without hood-classics like Tell Me What That Thing Smell Like and Nelly's infamous Tip Drill? I know ever since the day I saw Nelly swipe that credit card in that strippers booty, its become the only way I will pay for anything. I almost had a problem in Footlocker yesterday when some referee chick thought she was too good to bend over and accept my transaction. Needless to say I have a fresh pair of Jordans on as I write this.
Anyway, in an effort to uplift the community BET is airing a 1/2 hour say no to drugs commercial every Wednesday at 9:30 pm entitled DMX: Soul of a Man. Im telling you instead of the drug section in health class, teachers should just assign this show to their classes. Im personally quitting Aspirin cold turkey just in case.
The basic premise of the show is DMX is either really high or crazy as hell. Like literally should be in a mental hospital crazy. If he wasn't good at rhyming he would just be that crazy homeless man you try to avoid eye contact with because you know his smelly ass is gonna try to warn you about the apocalypse and then ask you for change. Luckily X seems to have a lot of people around him that care and believe in him, so they do their best to keep him out of the straight jacket and in the booth. Unfortunately a wild dog can't be tamed and therein lies the problem. For example in the first episode DMX was supposed to be in the studio working on his comeback album. Swizz Beatz was there, so was his manager, so was the engineer, but where was X? Well X was high out of his mind in some random gas station in Jersey eating donuts and making microwave scrambled egg sandwiches for his himself and his crew. Then he was detailing the benefits of bazooka gum like he was a stock broker telling his clients which mutual funds to invest in. "See with bazooka you get a joke and AND gum for a nickel. You can't beat that." Umm dog most of us figured that out when we were about 4 years old. X spends about 3 hours in the store and instead of making it to the studio that night he just decided to ignore his phone and sleep in his car.
By the way, that car scene was the only one I felt comfortable watching. Every time X is behind the wheel they should use the amber alert system to let the other drivers know. It was like watching a horror movie, I knew what was on the screen wasn't happening to me but every time he's behind the wheel I just feel scared. Even when he wasn't driving, and just riding in the car I was worried. I just never knew when he would pop up and grab the wheel.
After the stress of driving on the New York streets, X retreats to the peacefulness of his ranch in Arizona, where he shoots guns, hangs out with an old cowboy named Buddy and gets called Ja-Rule by some little white girls on horses. Luckily they were in Arizona; because I'm pretty sure if they were in Yonkers the dog would have come out and ate them and their horses. Actually, its a good thing their mother called; because he probably would have at least pistol whipped them if they stayed around longer. I bet every time ole Earl comes to Arizona the sheriff drives from house to house telling people to lock up their children and their valuables like a country ass Paul Revere. The niggers are coming! The niggers are coming!
In between threatening to fuck up a midget, DMX gets personal with the audience and lets them know the root of all his problems. When he was younger somebody laced his blunt and didnt tell him. Kids pay attention to this!!! Roll your own blunts!!! Thats the moral of the story folks. If you dont take heed you too can end up barking, growling and on your way to jail because you thought since you played a cop on TV you really were one. Jail isnt cool kids; you see the way X was bitching when he had to go for 40 days. So please Stay tuned, Watch your blunts and remember if a midget disrespects you, don't fuck him up. Just take his wallet and put it on top of something high so the midget has to climb a ladder or ask a real person for help. Haha stupid midget.

Wanna Make A Wish

Originally Posted 7/17/06
So its the slow season of the sports year. The NBA/NHL seasons and drafts are over. The World Cup has come and gone. (Im still waiting for someone to act up so I can headbutt a nigga Zidane style) NFL Training Camps don't start for another week. And Baseball is still months away from being relevant. Therefore ESPN has to find something to fill its daily hours of sportscenter, cold pizza and espn news. Over the past week, Sportscenter has featured a segment about the Make a Wish program and the generous athletes who participate in it. For those not familiar with the program, basically they try to fufill sick kids wishes in order to bring some joy to their difficult lives. Heres a link to the articles on espn.com http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/features/mywish/news/story?page=mywish/index

It really is a great program and as I saw a little boy named Charlie get to coach the philadelphia eagles for a day I couldnt help but wonder would it take to get one of my wishes made. Like how sick do you need to be to get down?
Not to discount Charlie disease or anything but he had sickle cell anemia, which while pretty bad is something you can live with and actually have a pretty good career in the music buisness. (ask T-Boz and Prodigy from Mobb Deep) I would take a little sickel to yell at mcnabb and them from the sidelines. Shit he even got a pair of todd pinkstons gloves!!! Unfortunately his arms shrunk to alligator length as soon as he put them on.
I caught yesterdays make a wish while i was still recovering from the previous night so im not too sure what the kids affliction was. However i do know that he was healthy enough to beat kobe in horse. And it wasnt like kobe let him win. Kobe's arrogant ass was shooting 3 pointers from behind the backboard and the kid was matching him shot for shot. He looked like the mexican jesus shuttlesworth. (pronounced he-seus of course) Yet again i dont know what he had but it can't be worse than whatever afflicted the Toronto Raptors the day kobe hit them for 81 points.
Now im not discrediting everybody who gets a wish made. The kid who met Jeff Gordon was pretty fucked up. All he kept saying was the car was loud and im pretty sure you could have told him i was jeff gordon and he would have believed it. (In the words of Tucker Max, I hope the serve beer in hell).
So the way I figure it there are 4 ways to get down with this make a wish phenomenon:

1. The old fashioned way- Some people win the genetic lottery and get to play in the NBA- ala Kwame Brown- and some people lose the lottery and get to meet NBA players as their consolation prize. Unfortunately, you have no control over this one.

2. Have a sick sibling- Yet again you can't really control this one, but if you do luck out you better start working on that application for you're little brother as soon as his eyes start crossing and he starts talking like his tounge is too big for his mouth. See the great thing about make a wish is since they never know when the kid might kick the bucket they bring the whole family along for the trip. So you might not necessarily be the person that gets to break the eagles huddle, but you probably will be the only person still alive in ten years to remember it. (Yet again I aplogize)

3. Breed-em- Who needs Alladin's lamp when you can just make a wish baby. From the day they are born you can mold them to ask for just what you always wanted. Sixers fan? Wrap him up in a sixers blanket and give him a teddy bear with cornrows. Michael Vick fan? Buy him a falcons decal to stick on that helmet he has to wear when hes running around in the house. Come on you think that kid would really like nascar if his dad wasnt surronding him with that shit his whole life? The great thing about this is all you have to do is find a sexy cousin or too and your chances of breeding a wish baby rise exponentially.

4. Lie till it Hurts- Its kinda like the premise of the movie The Ringer. When all else fails just start drooling and hopefully you're a better actor then johnny knoxville. All you need to do is get a doctor thats a sports fan and promise to get a ball autographed for him in exchange for diagnosing you with some new tropical disease. Then write a tear jerking story about how you only have a few days to live and the next thing you know you're on south beach shooting bank shots with d-wade. Im just waiting for P-Dub to get done with the whole med school thing so we can get this scheme popping. Can you imagine the merchandise profit we can make on ebay alone? The kid with the brain tumor got to touch the lombardi trophy. Anybody with full frontal lobe ability would have made a dash for the door right there. Im going to be rich...

NBA- No B-Boys Allowed

Originally Posted 10/19/05
Sorry This Post is so long, But its definetely one of my best

First album niggaz love me cause they thought I was pooor
Guess I'm successful; industry don't love me no more Well I'm the same nigga from your corner, bubblin raw
Skully tilted, pants saggin, damn near touchin the floor
And I come with do-rags to your so-called awards
T-shirt with my chain out like fuck y'all all
-Jay-Z

The NBA announced their new dress code yesterday and effectively distanced themselves from the hip-hop culture that has carried their league and its players to record sales and iconic status since the MJ era. For anyone who is not familiar with the new code, check it out here.
This new rule is causing all types of debate around the sports nation. Is it racist? Is it about time? Will it have any effect? Will the players rebel? The Biggest question I have though is what's it all about?
In the words of my man Rev Run, "lets keep it funky." This dress code isn't about the NBA players realizing that they are business men its about commissioner David Stern being afraid of scaring off corporate America's dollars. Basketball players aren't the traditional corporate business men, and no matter what they wear that's not going to change. Matter of fact, the most successful business man in the NBA, Billionaire Mark Cuban, shows up to every game in a t-shirt and jeans, but nobody tires to tell him what to wear. The difference is hip-hop fashion scares those that don't understand it. Hence, the ban on doo-rags and head gear. Nothing is scarier to old white people than a doo rag. They immediately equate it with thugs and violence. The ban on jewelry goes right along with that. At the Oscars, considered one of the most formal events in America, every rich actress hits the red carpet with hundreds of thousands, sometimes even millions of jewelry all over them, but nobody seems to care. Somehow though, Kevin Garnetts chain is destroying the NBA. I think this issue is bigger than race, but I can't deny that certain people can't stand to see young black millionaires flaunting the money they earned.
Probably the dumbest of all the rules is the ban on headphones. How do headphones on a player walking into an arena to practice or play a game make him a bad person. Almost everyone listens to music on their way to work, now NBA players can't? If NBA players were wearing the standard issue ipod earbuds instead of the big bass thumping earphones, this wouldn't be an issue. Stern is mad that they are making the music that's powering them visible and that they are walking in the arena with that Hip Hop, "I just don't give a fuck attitude."He argues that they can still listen to music in the locker room, like its some dirty little secret that the public shouldn't see. That's the problem with the entire dress-code its making the judgment that dressing in a way that an entire generation embraces is wrong.
David stern is trying to fix the NBA's image but its not clothes or music that's the problem. David Stern is acting like Ron Artest ran up in the stands because he had a CD dropping. And by the way Dave he was wearing an NBA uniform when it happened. So was the drunk fan who started it by hitting him with a cup for that matter. Clothes don't stop crime. The executives at Enron who stole millions wore very nice suits.
Even more discouraging are some of the quotes coming from some of the most respected people in the NBA. Phil Jackson one of my favorite coaches (for helping Shaq get a ring) said, ""The players have been dressing in prison garb the last five or six years. All the stuff that goes on, it's like gangster, thuggery stuff. It's time. It's been time to do that. But one must remember where one came from. I was wearing bib overalls when I was a player one time. But I wasn't going to the games or events in them." Just think, Phil is supposed to be the most left-winged coach in the league. I also can't remember ever seeing anyone come to the arena in a pair of county blues. Since when did prisoners get to wear jewelry and baggy sweatsuits.
Instead of believing the stereotype that everyone that dresses and embraces hip-hop culture is a criminal, why doesn't the NBA support and defend its players that are misportrayed as thugs. Instead of saying that only people who wear suits and ties are productive members of society, why don't they show more pictures of Allen Iverson doing one of his numerous community service activities in his doo-rag and white tee. Maybe because that would mean admitting that the lady who clutches her purse is fundamentally more messed up than the kid who happens to walk by her with a pair of sweats and tims. Now we can't make corporate America think that they have the real problem, can we?
The NBA is biting the hand that feeds it. Most people of my generation don't even know that the NBA was struggling before they merged with the ABA and bought some of that street flair into their robotic game. It wasn't jazz or rock and roll that made the jersey industry boom over the last five years. It also wasn't country that got the league its lucrative apparel deal with Reebok. Face it the players who are in the league now are young rich and undeniably hip-hop. Hip-Hop was built on rebelling against the social norms. We took jazz records and scratched them to create break beats. We bought preppie Polos and Tommy Hillfigger 3 sizes to big and created a style. When radio and television weren't trying to hear us we pumped up the volume until we resonated in their entire inferstructure. Hip-Hop was supposed to just be a fad, but 25 years later it still stands, more popular than ever. Is David Stern really that arrogant that he thinks he can kill it. Does he really think that players wont just turn his dress code inside out and and add our own flavor like Will did at the prep school on Fresh Prince of Bel Air.
I hope that the NBA players don't let Stern get away with this. AI is already on record saying he won't comply and he doesn't mind giving his money to charity. I know money is important to most of the players but you have our whole culture on your back. Please don't take this lying down. Don't let them vilify us anymore than they already have. You have proven to be trendsetters and here is your chance to set the trend for respect and acceptance of the hip-hop generation.

Drinking Buddies

Originally posted 9/21/05
I like to drink. Actually I like to drink a lot. Therefore, I have become what some people might call a regular at many drinking establishments. My time spent at these spots has allowed me observe and meet many different characters in their natural habitat. These are just a few of the people that you can find on a typical night at the bar.

The Angry Man
Favorite Line- "Yo, What the Fuck is He looking at!"
We all know this guy. Some of ya'll probably are this guy. Even some of you girls become the angry man. Some of the nicest people I know experience some sort of Jeckle and Hyde reaction to the slightest bit of alcohol. Once this person drinks you know some shit is bound to go down. You always end up pulling this person away from a fight and apologizing or jumping in and fighting yourself.The funniest part is that 9 times out of ten the angry man is usually the smallest and least threatening person in the crew. No matter how good of a friend this person is you can only go out with them once in awhile, for your own safety.

The Sloppy Drunk
Favorite Line- "I not druuuuuuunkkkkk"
One of the more annoying people you might encounter. In between random falls and trips to the bathroom to vomit, this person laughs uncontrollably and babbles about everything. They also think they are irresistibly sexy and try to give the eye to every guy that walks by, which actually makes her look like she has a touch of down syndrome. Hint to all my sloppy chicks out there, vomit isn't an enticing smell. The exaggerated DrunkFavorite Line -"God I'm Soooooo Drunk"This person drinks half a bud light and declares to the world that they are drunk off their ass. They love to pretend to stumble and do whatever they think a drunk person should be doing. They also like to do things that they are normally afraid to do and then blame it on the liquor. Like randomly kiss everybody in the bar and then claim they don't remember the next day. Damn Bitch, stop lying.

The Extra Friendly White-Boy
Favorite Line- "what's up bro"
I'm far from racist but I hate this guy. I really do. This is the guy that will randomly come up to a group of people he doesn't know and try to dap everybody up. Then he will proceed to stand around and act like he's cool with you. Yo, I don't know you. Go That- a-way. Just cause I'm not at the bar to pick up any chicks definitely doesn't mean I'm here to meet you're ass. In the words of the immortal Hov. I aint tryna be rude dude but give a nigga some space.

The Vet
Favorite Line- "Man I remember..."
No matter how much this person drinks they never get drunk. They take shots like it's water and are always asking for more. The only annoying thing about this person is they always have a story about when they were somewhere else and the drinks were stronger, the music better and the people prettier. Oh Forreal, well why don't you go back there then?

The Video Crew
Favorite Line- "Whatever the DJ is Playing"
These are the people who like to parlay either in the vip lounge, bar, or at a random table and pretend they are in a 90's rap video. Complete with bottles of champagne, dancing girls and mean mugs. They also like to sing everysong like its their own and tend to do the dance from the video.

The Groper
Favorite Line- They don't speak much
This is a scary group. Like forreal if you are a member of this group just stop. This is the guy or girl (yes ladies ya'll do it too) who can't dance without grabbing on something. Like forreal, ya'll are the reason parents teach their kids good touch and bad touch. Just cause someone is dancing with you doesn't mean they want to be molested. Put your hands where my eyes can see.

The Liquor Lesbians
Favorite Line- "Oh My God you look so hot tonight"
This is a subgroup of the exaggerated drunk. These are the girls that get a little in their system and are suddenly gay. You can catch them gyrating on one another on the dance floor and occasionally sharing some tongue. Hey you know what they say, the liquor don't lie. Drop down and get your Ellen on girl

The Friend
Favorite Line- "Damn this place is boring"
This is a rather pathetic character, you can often catch him or her sitting next to someone in a deep conversation with someone else. You have sub groups of this category, like the fat friend, or the ugly friend, or the hating friend. The thing they all have in common is that nobody really wants them there. Not the guy trying to get at her friend, and definitely not the girl. She found hers, now take your puppy dog ass somewhere and do the same.

The Let Out Boys
Favorite Line- "what's good with the after party"
The Let Out Boys are actually some of my favorite people. If the bar scene was the jungle, they would be the heyenas. They let the lions inside do all the work of getting the girls drunk and then they pounce on the the wobbly ones as they exit the bar with the rest of the herd. These guys have never paid a cover in their lives and probably have never even seen the inside of a bar. You can usually catch them outside in flip-flops and ball shorts, because they don't even need to bother getting dressed for their hunt. These guys eat with the best of them though.

Star Wars Episode 3 Review

Originally Posted 6/6/05
Hope you all enjoyed your weekend. I Finally got out to see Star Wars Episode 3 and I must say I really enjoyed it. Here are just a few notes and questions I had about the movie.

• George Lucas said the new movies were supposed to make the audience realize that Darth Vader is truly a tragic character. I definitely like Darth Vader a lot better now, but only because I get to hear James Earl Jones talk instead of whinny-ass Hayden Christensen
• This was the first time I actually saw a Star Wars on the big screen and the first scene was absolutely visually breath-taking. No Karamo.
• R2D2 definitely represented well. How gangsta was it when he torched those robots who tried to stop him from working the elevator?
• Yoda was also mad gangsta but can anyone explain why he just gave up at the end? I felt like he was winning the fight with the emperor.
• Speaking of fighting with the emperor, it seemed like Samuel L. Had him pretty much beat until that bitch Anakin showed up. Question though, was the emperor really just letting him win so Anakin could make his decision or was Coach Carter really beating him fair and square.Speaking of Samuel L. Why does the black man have the most ordinary name? I know it Wendu but when they all say it in their British accents, (since everyone talks like a fish and chips eater in space) it sounds like Wendell. What the hell is a Wendell. I swear I had a bus driver named Wendell in middle school. White people can be Obi-Wan Kenobi but black people have to be Wendell. See, even in space racism is still alive.
• The emperor needs to be on Pimps Up Ho's Down Part 2. Did you hear the fly ass game he was kicking to Anakin all movie. He was telling that ho everything he wanted him to hear without committing to anything. My favorite part was after Anakin killed Wendell and pledged his allegiance to him and asked could he really cheat death. The Emperor was like naw, but if we work together we might be able to one day. In pimp terminology that translates to I know I promised you could stop turning tricks, but if you just do a few more for daddy i might make you my bottom bitch one day.
• Did the death of the Jedi remind anyone else of the end of The Godfather? The way they were all double crossed and shot in the back and killed. It was a hell of a well thought out plan by Pimp Daddy Palpatine.
• Last question did anyone pick up on the special relationship Yoda and Chewbaca seemed to have? After Yoda killed the clones who tried to assassinate him Chewbaca gave him a piggy back ride. And when Yoda was leaving they showed an extended scene of Chewbaca crying like Keith Sweat. My Philly people know exactly what the true meaning of a Chewy is and apparently so does Yoda. But hey there is absolutely nothing wrong with interspecies, interracial, homosexual relationships. Whatever floats your boat gentlemen. Just wrap it up Yoda. Chewbaca looks like he might have ticks.

Confessions of an MTV Addict

Originally Posted 6/2/2005
Too Hard for MTV, Not Black Enough For BET, Just Let Me Be
-Jadakiss or (Jada Kiss for my Battle family)

If you've ever been to Scene Headquarters then you know that the Big Screen stays stuck on ESPN. The only other station that gets consistent play is MTV. Now this would make sense, since we all love music, if MTV actually still showed music videos. The problem is we rarely watch MTV for music because it's never on, except TRL with its endless screaming and neon signs. Instead we end up watching the thousands of quasi-reality shows that populate the station. 99% of the reality shows don't even have anything to do with music besides the 20 seconds that the theme song is playing. But do I care. Not at all.It all started out so innocently, I would watch Yo MTV Raps or watch the S-Curled Bill Bellamy on MTV jams. Then I was introduced to the grand-daddy of all reality shows the Real World. I think my first time was at a party. How could I resist? Everyone else was doing it. It was purely recreational though. Liking the Real World was cool cause you could always say, "Yeah I'm just watching to see how long it takes for the black guy to go crazy and become anti-social." It was like watching a sociological experiment. But now I know The Real World was a gateway drug. Cause after you start watching Real World they offer you Road Rules. And then the Real World/Road Rules Challenge. Next thing you know, Coral and the Miz are your best friends and you swear if you ever see Julie in the streets its going to be consequences and repercussions. One minute you're watching Da Band fight and rap and the next minute they turn into a fake ass Dream and you're still watching.Its getting bad ya'll. I really think I'm addicted. I think I'll watch anything on MTV. I think the whole "Ten-Spot" advertising campaign is some form of mind control or something. You don't believe me? Just this weekend my friends and I back home, watched a marathon of My Super Sweet 16. That's right MTV has the ability to make a group of 20 something year old black men sit down and watch 15 year old rich white kids (and Cee-lo's Daughter) plan an extravagant birthday party, celebrating that they made it to the age 16 in their pampered lives.Side note: in one episode a guy (appropriately named Hart) had a $250,000 Sweet 16. Nevermind the cost, but am I mistaken or aren't Sweet 16s supposed to be for virgin girls?I'm addicted and it's bad ya'll. It's so bad I actually watched Trippin last night. For ya'll that don't know that's a show where Cameron Diaz goes on vacations in exotic places with other random celebrities. In one episode she went to like Africa or something with Redman. I'm not making this up. I'm so addicted I'm watching rich celebrities that I don't really care about or even know go on vacation.I'm so addicted I can watch re-runs of Pimp my Ride even though I already know how the car is going to turn out and when I will hear that famous Xzibit cackle.Side Note: Is it just me or does Big Dane look and talk a lot like Shaq?I fiend over new episodes of Cribs even though I know the formula: Here is the room nobody sits in; Here is my fridge with nothing but ketchup and Cristal; Here is my home theater; Here is where the magic happens; Here is the pool; Here are the cars, Now get out MTV (said in some attempt to be funny).I'm addicted and there's no end in sight. I love watching people get famous faces. I love True Life Anything. (My personal favorite was True Life: I'm a little Person) I can even watch Wondershowzen without being high. My Name is Billy Beige and I am an MTV Addict. Hey look on the bright side it could be BET...

IM Etiquette

Originally Posted 5/24/05
Instant messenger has become the number one tool of communication for our generation. I probably wouldn't even speak to half of yall without it. It usefulness ranges from finding out about homework to setting up a late nite slide. (check Jp's post on Slides if you are confused) Even strong relationships can be built on IM. Its almost like alcohol, it eases inhibitions. Just like you can say or do some wild shit while you are drinking and say you were drunk the next morning, you can type some real reckless shit in an instant messenger conversation, wait for a response, and if its a negative one, just hit them with an LOL or a jk and its all good.Though IM has become its powerful tool, in the hands of the wrong people it can become destructive and even worse, incredibly annoying. So on that note I present my :

TOP 5 THINGS NOT TO DO ON INSTANT MESSENGER

5. Forget an away message-Away messages are probably the best thing on IM. They allow you to let people know why you aren't around and they give procrastinators something to read when they should be doing something else. In a lot of cases, reading someone's away message has become the only aspect of a relationship that still exists. You don't really care enough to call or even IM the person to find out what they are doing, but you can quickly check out their away message and know what's going on with them. If you read it and it says "in the shower", you can think to yourself good, so and so is still alive and practicing good hygiene. It is just wrong not to give others the opportunity to do the same

4. Pretend to be someone else-This comes in two forms and they are both extremely childish. The first is what I call humorous pretending. That is when you hop on a friends computer and start talking to random people and saying crazy things so that when your friend comes back he has to explain why he just came out of the closet to his friend from high school. This can be very funny, but as I said before quite childish. The second is a little more alarming. I refer to it as sneaky pretending. This is when you sign on to someone else's account and pretend to be them in order to get information. This is commonly done by an distrustful significant other hoping to find out who their man or girl is talking to and what they are talking about. Doing this shows a total lack of trust in a relationship and can lead to getting cut quickly.

3. Continue to IM someone when they aren't responding-Sometimes you have to learn to take a hint. There are two possible reasons why the person isn't replying, either he or she isn't at the computer or they just don't feel like talking to your ass. Either way, stop typing. If they aren't there you are having a conversation with yourself, which is pretty crazy. If they are there they are probably annoyed out of their mind and yelling at their screen for you to shut the fuck up.

2. Put up depressing away messages-Look, I know depression is a serious disorder but its also contagious. I don't want to check your away message and hear about how nobody loves you and your heart is aching so much. I mean its fine to feel that way, but don't put a damper on my day cause your life sucks. And if you think that its going to lead to the person who doesn't love you, all of a sudden loving you, think again. All that person is going to do is think you are crazy as hell and probably copy and paste your away message to their friends so they can show them why they don't mess with your crazy ass in the first place. Depressing away messages is a great way to get deleted off of a buddy list.

1. IM Someone the second they are no longer idle-This is by far the most annoying thing someone can do on instant messenger. Please have some dignity. Don't let me know that you have been sitting at your computer, waiting for my name to change from gray to black so you can IM me some nonsense. This is like when you get a girls number. You don't call right away because it makes you seem desperate. Let me come back to the computer, check my mail and possibly check espn.com. I mean damn, at least let me take my away message off. Breaking this rule will most likely lead to me ignoring you and putting you into situation number 3.

Kids Today

Originally Posted 5/16/05
Today I saw two things on TV that really has me afraid for the next generation. The first was a commercial encouraging kids to go outside and play and the second was Nanny 911. Back in my day we never needed commercials to tell us to go outside and play. It was something that you wanted to do. Shit, we would take beatings to stay outside and finish a good game of freeze tag. I actually remember crying when I wasn't allowed to go out and play. (Actually it was the wind that had me tearing up like Bizzare on Punk'd) Until girls grew breast, the life of a boy revolved around going outside and playing games and sports. That's how the hierarchy of the hood was established. We would play football, basketball, kickball, baseball, hide and go seek, catch- a-girl-freak-a-girl, wall ball, suicide, king-ball, taps or anything else we could think of before the sun went down. (We even bought hockey sticks and pucks when mighty ducks came out and tried that out for awhile. Of course, none of us could in-line skate so we had to play on foot, but I still have a mean knuckle puck!) And whoever was the best at these games became the leaders and most admired, and whoever was the most unathletic became the people we teased and practiced our wrestling moves on. This was the way of the world, Darwin at its finest and it was fair and just. Now kids are fat and lazy. Although they have more organized sports leagues then my generation had, they would rather sit at home and play video games and surf the net. Now the cool kids are just the rich kids who have an X-Box and a PS2. This is a problem that needs to be addressed by more than just commercials. Parents need to stop sheltering their kids and buying them the latest computerized companion and tell that lil bastard to go outside for awhile. Although I was an active child my parents still made me go outside and get some fresh air every once in awhile. (In hindsight, I think they just wanted me out of the house to get it in, but I digress)

Speaking of Parents, have any of ya'll ever seen that show Nanny 911? That show is ridiculous. Little kids basically run their households to the point where you have to bring in some old British chick to discipline their asses. On the episode I watched today this little boy and girl were actually hitting their mom to the point where they made her cry. How backwards is that. Your mom is supposed to be hitting you and making your ass cry. And then say, "Stop crying!!!. I'll give you something to cry about." As if the hand print tattooed on your cheek wasn't enough. Anyway, the Nanny came in and within a couple weeks had them all expressing their anger through words and talking out their problems and shit. I argue that all that talking is what got them into at situation in the first place. Kids today are treated too much like adults by their parents. They ask them their opinions on everything and negotiate and explain punishments. This political correctness is creating little monsters. Man, wait till I have kids. I'm going beat them every Tuesday just because I remember all the bad shit I did and never got caught for. I mean I'm not advocating abuse but stern discipline is still the best way to teach our children. So parents, please stop expecting Sponge Bob and John Madden to raise your kids and do your damn job. Make them go outside, make them meet and talk to other kids, and most importantly beat them regularly.

Lets Try This Again

Aight so if you're reading this you may or may not know that I've blogged off and on for the past couple of years. Like a lot of things in my life, I start off strong and after awhile lose interest. But this time I'm really going to try to stick with it and at least post something twice a week. For all my first time readers let me warn you that most of what I say here is irreverent and ignorant as hell, but at the end of the day its all designed to make u laugh and possibly think. For all my new readers, I'm posting some of the classic material from my previous blogs that will hopefully get you ready for the Tales from the Beige Side. So read, enjoy, and please leave comments cause that's what actually inspires me to write.